Estrangement

2 Samuel 14:1-33

Last week, we heard about the rape and heartbreaking disgrace of Tamar by her half-brother Amnon followed by the vengeance that Absalom wrought on Amnon.  Absalom had Amnon killed in front of all his brothers.  After this, Absalom fled to the neighboring country of Geshur for three years.

David mourned the loss of his two oldest sons: Amnon to death and Absalom to exile.  2 Samuel 13 closed with David being consoled concerning Amnon’s death but longing to go to Absalom.  David and Absalom are estranged over Absalom’s treachery against Amnon no matter how justified.  That is where we pick up the story in 2 Samuel 14.  David is conflicted by anger toward and love for his son Absalom and possibly remorse over his failures that contributed toward this heart-breaking situation.  David allows himself again to skip taking the initiative to resolve a difficult situation among his children.  This time it is reconciliation with Absalom that he avoids.

Let us pray before we continue.

Father God, help us to see what it is that you want us to see in 2 Samuel 14.  Speak to us from these difficult circumstances.  We desire to see how we might better honor You in how we live.  Help us we pray in Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Joab son of Zeruiah knew that the king's heart longed for Absalom. – 2 Samuel 14:1

We have heard a good deal about Joab and his exploits during this series.  Joab is David’s nephew, the son of his sister Zeruiah.  Joab had two brothers Abishai and Asahel.  Assuming that the lists are given in birth order (as they usually are), Joab was the middle child.  Following the unfortunate death of his younger brother Asahel at the hands of Saul’s commander of his army, Joab sought vengeance against Abner and murdered him as told in 2 Samuel 3.  According to I Chronicles 11, Joab also volunteered and led the attack to capture Jerusalem from the Jebusites.  Through that victory, he won the position as commander of the army of Israel.  He remained leader of the army of Israel until the time when Solomon became king.

In 2 Samuel 10, we saw Joab in action and taking courage in the Lord.  We also saw the teamwork and commitment to one another that Joab and his brother Abishai had.  In 2 Samuel 11 and 12, it was Joab who led the army of Israel against Rabbah, the capital of Ammon. 

My study bible describes Joab as a competent but ruthless military leader, a figure of major importance during David’s reign as king.  As we have seen at times, even David is not able to control Joab.  Some commentators think that Joab is not solely thinking of David’s feelings in this situation, but also for the kingdom itself.  As now the oldest healthy son, Absalom would be the heir apparent to the throne.  Unresolved conflict between Absalom and David could have the potential to lead eventually to a struggle for the throne, and sadly we will see exactly that in 2 Samuel 15.

David and Joab have a lifetime of knowing each other.  Joab knows his uncle and king.  Joab knows that the king longs for Absalom.  Joab is a man of action.  Joab is also shrewd and selects a careful means of guiding his king.

So Joab sent someone to Tekoa and had a wise woman brought from there. He said to her, “Pretend you are in mourning. Dress in mourning clothes, and don't use any cosmetic lotions. Act like a woman who has spent many days grieving for the dead. Then go to the king and speak these words to him.” And Joab put the words in her mouth. – 2 Samuel 14:2-3

Why Tekoa?  I don’t know.  It is a small village south of Bethlehem.  Perhaps Joab knows David has a special place in his heart for the people of this region as it is where he grew up, and maybe he will be more likely to listen sympathetically?  Perhaps Joab, who also is from that area, knows something of this wise woman already and so has reason to trust her ability to carry out his plan?

Joab’s approach seems to be based on the pattern God used through Nathan in confronting David in his sin against Bathsheba and Uriah.  He uses a parable, but he places that parable carefully in the right package to deliver it in the most penetrating way.

When the woman from Tekoa went to the king, she fell with her face to the ground to pay him honor, and she said, “Help me, Your Majesty!”

The king asked her, “What is troubling you?”

She said, “I am a widow; my husband is dead. I your servant had two sons. They got into a fight with each other in the field, and no one was there to separate them. One struck the other and killed him. Now the whole clan has risen up against your servant; they say, ‘Hand over the one who struck his brother down, so that we may put him to death for the life of his brother whom he killed; then we will get rid of the heir as well.’ They would put out the only burning coal I have left, leaving my husband neither name nor descendant on the face of the earth.” – 2 Samuel 14:4-7

She’s good.  Joab made the right choice in this woman to create the desired effect.

It is customary according to the Law for a murder victim’s next of kin to avenge the blood of their relative and put the murderer to death themselves.  In this story though, this would end a family line which is also something the Law and custom sought to avoid.

When added to the story the thought that those in the clan also were seeking to “get rid of the heir as well,” that puts their motive in a far more selfish light than a perspective of justice.  This makes these fictitious clansmen seem to greedily want this family’s inheritance most of all.

The focal point of the story is ultimately that the loss of a family line is worse than permitting a murder to go unpunished.

The king said to the woman, “Go home, and I will issue an order in your behalf.”

But the woman from Tekoa said to him, “Let my lord the king pardon me and my family, and let the king and his throne be without guilt.”

The king replied, “If anyone says anything to you, bring them to me, and they will not bother you again.”

She said, “Then let the king invoke the LORD his God to prevent the avenger of blood from adding to the destruction, so that my son will not be destroyed.”

“As surely as the LORD lives,” he said, “not one hair of your son's head will fall to the ground.” – 2 Samuel 14:8-11

We should not assume that David’s offer to issue an order is somehow capricious or contrary to the Law.  In this case, the act does not appear to be premeditated.  Deuteronomy 19:4-6 says unintentional manslaughter should not be punished by death.  This story is not the same as what has happened between Amnon, Tamar, and Absalom.

The woman is very crafty here.  She does not merely accept David’s offer to issue and order.  She expands her request to herself and her family.  David again confirms his agreement and support.  Finally, she leads David to invoke an oath in the Name of the Lord, “as surely as the Lord lives.”  David is bound solemnly to his commitment.

Then the woman said, “Let your servant speak a word to my lord the king.”

“Speak,” he replied.

The woman said, “Why then have you devised a thing like this against the people of God? When the king says this, does he not convict himself, for the king has not brought back his banished son? Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But that is not what God desires; rather, he devises ways so that a banished person does not remain banished from him. And now I have come to say this to my lord the king because the people have made me afraid. Your servant thought, ‘I will speak to the king; perhaps he will grant his servant's request. Perhaps the king will agree to deliver his servant from the hand of the man who is trying to cut off both me and my son from God's inheritance.’ And now your servant says, ‘May the word of my lord the king secure my inheritance, for my lord the king is like an angel of God in discerning good and evil. May the LORD your God be with you.’ ” – 2 Samuel 14:12-17

The trap is sprung.  How gently the old woman broaches the subject, “Let your servant speak a word …”.  Carl has shared often about the structure and posture in an honor-shame culture.  This woman seems to be able to take patron-honoring civilities to the highest level.  Perhaps this is why Joab chose this particular woman.  Maybe he knew her manner of speech was particularly disarming.

The suggestion she makes is that David has done to the people of Israel what her clan is supposedly doing to her.  The people of Israel want their heir apparent to return safely.  The analogy that the woman has set up puts David in the place of the selfish avengers and renders his judgment in her case as a guilty verdict against himself in his own situation with Absalom.

I’m afraid I rested so much emphasis on Joab’s plot, his motives, and this woman’s ability to carry it out that it might seem to as though it is not a good thing at all.  However, she does shine a bright light of truth.

She says, “Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But that is not what God desires; rather, he devises ways so that a banished person does not remain banished from him.”

What a tremendous opening for the gospel!  God devises ways so that the banished do not remain so.  God has made the Way of reconciliation through His Son, Jesus.  His justice is preserved in the outpouring of His wrath on His son, but all who repent and come to Him will live.  Here are two passages from Ezekiel about the heart of God:

Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked? declares the Sovereign LORD. Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live? ... For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!  – Ezekiel 18:23, 32

Say to them, 'As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn! Turn from your evil ways! Why will you die, people? – Ezekiel 33:11

God has made the way of reconciliation through his Son Jesus.  The free offer of God is available to all who turn to Him for life.

The woman does keep up Joab’s ruse though.  She acts as though she only thought as an aside to mention the situation of David and Absalom.  She expresses appropriate gratitude, honor, and blessing on David for supporting her and her “family.”

Then the king said to the woman, “Don't keep from me the answer to what I am going to ask you.”

“Let my lord the king speak,” the woman said.

The king asked, “Isn't the hand of Joab with you in all this?”

The woman answered, “As surely as you live, my lord the king, no one can turn to the right or to the left from anything my lord the king says. Yes, it was your servant Joab who instructed me to do this and who put all these words into the mouth of your servant. Your servant Joab did this to change the present situation. My lord has wisdom like that of an angel of God--he knows everything that happens in the land.” – 2 Samuel 14:18-20

We will see in a second that Joab appears to have been in the court while all this exchange has been going on.  We do not know how David figured it out, but he realizes that Joab is behind the woman’s story.

I think these last words by the woman confirm that she truly does honor the king.  It is a precarious thing she has undertaken even if it was by Joab’s prompting.  Making the king to look foolish or guilty, for most kings, that cannot end well for the person bringing the accusation.  She explains the reason behind it all.  “Your servant Joab did this to change the present situation.”

The king said to Joab, “Very well, I will do it. Go, bring back the young man Absalom.”

Joab fell with his face to the ground to pay him honor, and he blessed the king. Joab said, “Today your servant knows that he has found favor in your eyes, my lord the king, because the king has granted his servant's request.” Then Joab went to Geshur and brought Absalom back to Jerusalem.

But the king said, “He must go to his own house; he must not see my face.” So Absalom went to his own house and did not see the face of the king. – 2 Samuel 14:21-24

Joab is not summoned to come to David.  It’s as if David turns to Joab and speaks directly.  Joab also honors the king as the king accepted Joab’s point.

David though still is not reconciled to Absalom.  While he does allow him to return safely to the land, he does not even see Absalom much less attempt a reconciliation.  David’s lack of discipline or any kind of confrontation of Amnon coupled with the separation from Absalom for three years followed by further isolation now in Jerusalem allows bitterness and disconnectedness to take root in Absalom’s heart which will have disastrous consequences in the next several chapters.

This is a shocking thing that David does not deal with his sons in the way that God has dealt with him.  We often focus on David’s fall into adultery with Bathsheba and murder of Uriah, but David’s relationships with his sons also seem like an area of weakness, if not outright sin.

It certainly requires wisdom to deal with situations that involve so much hurt and wickedness, but the complete absence of any confrontation from Scripture certainly makes it appear that David did not forgive or attempt to restore Absalom. 

I think we can take this as a warning ourselves.  I think of passages like Matthew 5:23-34 where we are encouraged to be reconciled with the one who has something against us before offering a gift to the Lord, or Matthew 18:15-16 where we are encouraged to go to the one who has sinned and point it out one-on-one and then to take witnesses and try again if they aren’t responsive the first time.  There are many other passages that encourage humility and confession and forgiveness.  Let us not neglect these things in our relationships, but may God be magnified as we seek unity (Psalm 133:1, John 17:23) and harmony (Romans 12:16, 2 Timothy 2:8) with one another.

In all Israel there was not a man so highly praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the top of his head to the sole of his foot there was no blemish in him. Whenever he cut the hair of his head--he used to cut his hair once a year because it became too heavy for him--he would weigh it, and its weight was two hundred shekels by the royal standard. Three sons and a daughter were born to Absalom. His daughter's name was Tamar, and she became a beautiful woman. – 2 Samuel 14:25-27

We see here the uniqueness of Absalom.  I do not think there is anyone in Scripture who is such a glowing physical specimen.  Times have not changed much in 3,000 years.  Hair is still a status symbol.  Two hundred shekels is like 5 pounds of hair!  Since you can find anything on the internet, I did find a lady with 4 feet of hair who live measured the weight of her hair both dry and wet in a YouTube video.  The braided length which was probably comparable to the part that Absalom would cut once per year weighed a half to three quarters of a pound.  So, Absalom’s hair had to be much thicker and the individual hairs much bigger in diameter than this lady’s hair.  Then, Absalom’s hair must have grown so fast, you could almost watch it grow.  I think his hair must have grown about an inch a week.  Most people’s hair doesn’t grow faster than about an inch a month.  Absalom has both the thickest hair and the fastest growing.  Amazing.

His three sons are not named.  Later in chapter 18, a lament by Absalom is mentioned which makes it seem as though his sons likely died in their youth.  His daughter is named for his sister.  Through this daughter, Absalom’s lineage does appear to connect back into the royal blood line through King Abijah, grandson of Solomon, and father to King Asa. (2 Chronicles 11:20, Maacah was likely the granddaughter of Absalom through Tamar and her husband Uriel.)

Reading this account of Absalom’s physique, I think of Saul, the first king of Israel.  Saul was also unique physically.  He was handsome and tall, a full head taller than everyone else.  This made him “look the part” of a ruler of men.  However, looks are not the equivalent of character.  Just as the Lord told Samuel (I Samuel 16:7), “People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”  Many people in Israel will likely choose Absalom in the coming days of his conspiracy in part because of his good looks but also because of his cunning behavior.

Absalom lived two years in Jerusalem without seeing the king's face. Then Absalom sent for Joab in order to send him to the king, but Joab refused to come to him. So he sent a second time, but he refused to come. Then he said to his servants, “Look, Joab's field is next to mine, and he has barley there. Go and set it on fire.” So Absalom's servants set the field on fire.

Then Joab did go to Absalom's house, and he said to him, “Why have your servants set my field on fire?”

Absalom said to Joab, “Look, I sent word to you and said, ‘Come here so I can send you to the king to ask, “Why have I come from Geshur? It would be better for me if I were still there!” ’ Now then, I want to see the king's face, and if I am guilty of anything, let him put me to death.” – 2 Samuel 14:28-32

It has been five years now since Absalom had put Amnon to death.  It seems like Absalom does not really have a relationship with Joab.  He is sending for Joab rather than reaching out to him in a deferential way.  I think he learns a lesson in this encounter with Joab which will play directly into his conspiracy in the next chapter.

Absalom takes things to the extreme and has Joab’s field burned.  That gets Joab’s attention. 

Absalom makes his demand: full pardon and restoration OR death.  Sadly, Absalom gives no sign of sorrow or repentance.

So Joab went to the king and told him this. Then the king summoned Absalom, and he came in and bowed down with his face to the ground before the king. And the king kissed Absalom. – 2 Samuel 14:33

Did they even speak to one another?  You would think so.  Apparently, it was merely pleasantry and not substantive because there is no record of what transpired.  Outwardly, Absalom bows before his father and his king.  The king kissed Absalom.  That kiss signifies forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration with the royal family.  However, repentance and justice are omitted.

Absalom shows honor to his father, the king, here, and it is likely that Absalom loves his father.  Unfortunately, Absalom has other motivations which soon overwhelm his respect and regard for his father and his kingship.

We can keep in mind that much of what has happened and will happen is fulfillment of the prophecy of Nathan following David’s fall.  In 2 Samuel 12:9-10, the Lord spoke through Nathan saying, “You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own … Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me.”

We often don’t think about the long standing consequences of sin.  James 1:20 is a focused verse.  It says, “human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”  But, I believe the principle is there for all kinds of sins.  You can put the sin at the beginning, and the follow it through to one or more consequences.

Anger (wrath) does not produce the righteousness (or righteous life) that God desires. (James 1:20, Matthew 5:22)

Greed does not produce the security that God desires. (Mark 4:19, Luke 12:15-21, life does not consist in an abundance of possessions)

Envy does not produce the desire and motivation that God desires. (Proverbs 14:30, James 3:16, where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.)

Gluttony does not produce the satisfaction that God desires. (Proverbs 23:21, Luke 21:34, it is a trap and leads to poverty)

Laziness (sloth) does not produce the rest that God desires. (Proverbs 12:24, Matthew 25:26-29, what a lazy person has will be taken away and laziness ultimately leads to forced labor)

Lust does not produce the love and fulfillment that God desires for us. (I John 2:16-17, I Peter 2:11, ungodly and wages war against your soul)

Pride does not produce the identity that God has given us.  (I Samuel 15:23, Luke 1:51, James 4:6, arrogance is as idolatry, therefore God opposes and even scatters those who are proud)

Sin’s consequences are truly horrible.

There are sins in our own lives (things that we have done and things that others have done to us) that are like a grenade or even a bomb that goes off.  These sins can create a lot of debris and even leave unexploded bits sometimes at a great distance down range.  James 1:15 explains the progression in this way, “After desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”

A healing response to particularly damaging sins requires wise counsel and prayer.  If you are dealing with a situation where you need help, Fred, Carl and I are here as your pastors to listen and walk through this with you.  We are also blessed with many mature believers in our church.  Reaching out to others in the body is also a way to bear one another’s burdens.

The final emphasis I would like to make today is to encourage and even exhort us to think about our own desires and decisions.  Scripture gives us many warnings.  Here are two from Galatians 5 and one from Titus 2.

So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. – Galatians 5:16

Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. – Galatians 5:24

For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope--the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. – Titus 2:11-14

In order to prevent damaging situations even of much lower intensity than what we see in David’s case, it is important to walk by the Spirit continuously.  There is the need to recognize that if we belong to Christ, then our sinful desires have been crucified.  We can say “no” to sin and seek to live lives of holiness because of the grace of God.  We can be emboldened to think in this way because of Jesus.  He is our example and our redeemer.  Apart from Him, we can do no good thing.  Let’s pray.

Lord Jesus, please help us to live lives of purity and holiness.  Help us to see Your ways as the best ways.  Please help us to realize the danger of sin even in the small things that we give in to so easily.  Purify each of these your saints I pray in Jesus’ Name, Amen.