Peacemaking vs. Contention

Welcome! Today we continue our series in Proverbs and look at peacemaking versus contention. We will start with contention. This is probably a word you do not use in everyday conversation. What I mean by the term is arguing, disputing, the expression of anger, complaining, and just general grumpiness. These types of things never happen in your house do they? The truth, of course, is that contention is more common in our lives than we care to admit.

Now, I’m not an expert in comedy or humor, but one thing that struck me this week is just how much humor is based on contention. If I were to guess, I would say it is the most common basis of humor. And this is not just in our culture, but seems to be universal. I recently got myself sucked into some Korean drama programs (with subtitles), and the humor is very much the same. If you have watched British shows, again, very often arguments are a central source of humor.

I thought I’d just give you a short American example. This is from the Christian movie Flywheel, about a used-car salesman who ripped people off but then became saved and felt led by the Lord to give back every penny that he had overcharged people beyond a fair deal. This is one of his encounters:

Man: You’re giving me a thousand dollars?

Salesman: I am.

Man: Why?! I agreed to buy it at that price!

Salesman: Yes, but the information I gave you on that truck wasn’t entirely accurate. You bought the truck on what you thought it was worth – I apologize for that.

Man: But it don’t make sense that you just give a thousand dollars back! Why would you do that?!

Salesman: I guess the best way to explain it is that I want my life to be pleasing to the Lord.

Man: So you’re just giving us a thousand dollars back, no strings attached?!

Salesman: Well, if you’ll take it.

Woman: We’ll take it!!

Man: That ain’t your money! I bought the truck!!

Woman: Well, then you better take it!! The man’s trying to give it to us!!

Man: You watch your mouth! This is business!!

Woman: It ain’t business. He’s trying to give us free money!!

Man: He’s giving me free money! You go finish the bean dip!

Woman: You don’t share that money with me, you’re going to be making your own bean dip!

Man: Woman, I could buy a thousand dollars worth of bean dip!!

Salesman: Ahem, now, uh, I probably need to go…

Man: Man, I appreciate it, and I’m, I’m sorry for calling you a scum-sucking maggot when I bought my truck.

Salesman: I don’t remember that.

Man: Whuh, well, I’m sorry anyway.

Salesman: Well, I appreciate that. You guys have a great night.

Man: You have the same, OK?

Well, we have had a good chuckle, but what Proverbs has to say about contention is generally (but not always) more serious. But there is no question these verses about a contentious wife are meant to be humorous, although they also convey a sobering message:

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. – Prov. 21:9, 25:24

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife. – Prov. 21:19

A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. – Prov. 27:15-16

Drip…drip…drip…drip… - the point is that it can make you go crazy! It’s such a vivid picture. And the picture of trying to restrain the wind or trying to hold onto a bunch of oil with your hand is equally vivid. These are impossible things.

Now Solomon had a lot of experience in this department. Of course, one has to wonder if maybe he hadn’t had so many wives, and if he had picked a spouse based on her character rather than on her political connections, he wouldn’t have had to endure the drips or tried to restrain the wind. Nevertheless, these verses have wife in the singular, and for those with such a wife I suspect they would shout “Amen!” to these verses if they didn’t know how much trouble they would be in if they did so. By the way, that would not include me – I have no idea what this might be like!

I’m sorry, ladies, for picking on you. Of course husbands can be just as quarrelsome as wives. I’ll leave it to you to write suitable analogies about what a quarrelsome husband is like. And as for a house full of children! Drip…drip…drip… (faster) This verse seems to speak to an entire household:

Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife. – Prov. 17:1

As I have read through Proverbs for this series, I was surprised at how many proverbs deal with contention. I tried to sort them into categories, but found this quite difficult to do. Nevertheless, there were some common themes, and so I thought I would go through some of these.

One common theme is the contagious nature of quarreling. If you are grumpy and in an argumentative mood, it is amazing how this mood will spread to those around you. And this is true not just in the home, but at work, indeed, everywhere. Here are some verses that warn about this nature.

As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife. – Prov. 26:21

Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out. – Prov. 17:14

Speaking of breaching a dam, I don’t know if you have seen some of the amazing pictures of the homemade levees that some homeowners have made to protect their homes from the overflowing Mississippi river. Imagine the effects of carving out a hole on one of these levees. All the incredible effort made to make these barriers would be irrevocably lost.

For those of you who are children, you need to understand this principle. If you want your parents to give you bigger punishments when you are bad, if you want them to raise their voices and get angry with you, just do the same thing to them.

And for you employees, the same thing: if you want your boss to get really mad at you, just come into a meeting with a bad attitude and you well get exactly what you want. Scripturally, you are really playing with fire when you have that grumpy, chip on your shoulder kind of mood.

So quarreling is contagious. A second theme I see in Proverbs is quarreling is a sign of foolishness. What is foolishness? Well, John talked about wisdom versus foolishness two weeks ago. For our purposes here, foolishness is doing something without thinking through the likely results of what you are doing. Foolishness is also doing something even though you are fully knowledgeable of what is likely to happen; you do it anyway. If you are asked why, you say, “I don’t know.” That’s foolishness. So here are some verses with this theme:

It is to a man’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel. – Prov. 20:3

A quick-tempered man does foolish things... – Prov. 14:17a

A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly. – Prov. 14:29

So quarreling is a sign of foolishness. A third theme I see repeated in Proverbs is that you should avoid getting entangled with those who love to quarrel. Now obviously, this is not possible when talking about your boss or your family, but it can certainly apply to your choice of friends. Here are some verses with this message:

Drive out the mocker, and out goes strife; quarrels and insults are ended. – Prov. 22:10

Now a mocker is a special kind of quarreler. The Hebrew word lutz includes the ideas of being prideful and putting other people down, treating others as below them. Remove such a person from your midst, and with him will leave your drama. Peace will return.

A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends. – Prov. 16:28

That word perverse is translated forward in the KJV. Even Microsoft Word has no idea what that word is; it gives those wavy red lines. Proverbs 6:14 describes such a person as one who, by purpose of design, seeks to sow discord, to create conflict. This is the scheming woman everyone loves to hate in a soap opera; this is the J.R. Ewing type of person. The gossip is also translated whisperer. The Hebrew root is a word that means to roll to pieces. Picture rolling out a pie crust and having it crumble apart on you. A gossip is a talker, someone who loves to talk and talk and talk. This verse uses the same word:

Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down. – Prov. 26:20

Literally, that’s without the gossiper, a quarrel dies down. And Proverbs also warns against getting entangled with a hot-tempered man:

Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared. – Prov. 22:24-25

A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again. – Prov. 19:19

So we are warned two ways: such a person can influence you to take on his characteristics, and such a person will draw you into their dramas again and again. Stay away! And be wary of being drawn in to someone else’s quarrel:

Like one who seizes a dog by the ears is a passer-by who meddles in a quarrel not his own. – Prov. 26:17

This can be a real temptation sometimes – not seizing a dog by the ears! But meddling! As Christians, we may feel that we have some kind of responsibility to help. But unless we are invited, unless we are helping a friend, unless we really know the whole situation, both sides of the situation, be wary. As for seizing a dog by the ears, that would be in the category of “Don’t try this at home.”

So whether it is forward man, the gossiper, the hot-tempered man, or the quarrel that doesn’t concern us, the message is to avoid getting entangled. Now a fourth theme I see in Proverbs is that there is a high cost associated with choosing to quarrel, with choosing to be contentious.

For as churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife. – Prov. 30:33

These are interesting analogies, particularly the second one. Don’t try that at home either. But the first one is clear – it takes a while to produce butter from milk; you have to put in some elbow grease, but the outcome will happen. I’ll take their word on the nose thing. But the outcome of being one who produces contention, eventually, is that you will hurt yourself. There is no better way to get yourself fired than to do this kind of thing at work. You might be able to do it for a while and get away with it, but you are churning the milk, and you will produce butter (or a bloody nose, and it might be yours). The word strife in the Hebrew is a harsh word; it means to cause to fall into ruins, destruction, heaps of rubble.

An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel. – Prov. 18:19

And so another effect is ruined relationships. Parents and children no longer speaking to one another. Husbands and wives divorcing. Lifelong friends becoming enemies. Contention can leave you alone in the world, without friends or family.

He who loves a quarrel loves sin; he who builds a high gate invites destruction. – Prov. 17:19

And of course, this is sin. We are sinning against God. Like all sin, this is deadly serious. As with all sin, our only response must be to turn to Christ for forgiveness, to repent of our sin. So there is a high cost; contention can destroy your life. But the fifth theme I see in Proverbs is that there is a better way. There are quite a few verses that speak to this; here are some. What are the key words in each of these passages?

A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. – Prov. 17:27

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. – Prov. 15:1

Here we see gentleness, restraint, an even temper. These things can diffuse a situation. When it comes to contention, it takes two to tango. If you don’t get drawn in, there won’t be a conflict.

A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense. – Prov. 19:11

A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel. – Prov. 15:18

Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city. – Prov. 16:32

Here we see patience. Don’t speak in the heat of the moment. Don’t send off that email in anger. Wait. You may calm down, and so may the other person. Regardless, wait, and pray, and reflect, and you may gain a different perspective. God can show you the wise way to proceed.

Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice. – Prov. 13:10

Here we see humility. Sometimes when we get stirred up we are just plain wrong. And sometimes when another gets stirred up they are just plain right. Listen, be humble, be willing to take advice.

Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs. – Prov. 10:12

He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. – Prov. 17:9

Love! This is powerful. I think of verses from I Corinthians 13. Love is not easily angered. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love always hopes. And so there is a better way. And to go beyond this, as our title states, we can be peacemakers.

Mockers stir up a city, but wise men turn away anger. – Prov. 29:8

We can promote peace, wellness, healing. How do we do that? I find this is more fully expressed in the New Testament, and so we will spend the rest of our time today looking beyond Proverbs. It’s not enough to stop being contentious. That is really only the beginning.

We could start with what Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount:

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. – Matt. 5:9

Well, as believers, we are children of God. We are to be peacemakers. Not peacekeepers, like those only marginally effective soldiers that have tried to limit the damage in hot spots in the world, but peacemakers. This starts with living at peace with one another, in our families, in our church, with our Christian friends, and then inasmuch as it depends on us, with unbelievers. How important do you think this is? Well, you can find it in book after book of the New Testament. A few examples:

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, “Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it.” – I Peter 3:8-11

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. – Hebrews 12:14-15

Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. – 2 Tim. 2:22-24

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. – Col. 3:12-15

Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men. – Titus 3:1-2

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. – Eph. 4:2-3

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. – Rom. 12:18

Live in harmony with one another. – Rom. 12:16a

Live in peace with each other. – I Thess. 5:13b

Peter, Hebrews, Timothy, Colossians, Titus, Ephesians, Romans, Thessalonians – and this is nothing remotely approaching a complete list. How important do you think being a peacemaker is?

One thing that strikes me about those pictures of those families’ self-made levees is that I wouldn’t have thought that man could do that; I wouldn’t have ever thought there was a way for a family could protect their home from the entire flooding Mississippi river when it was going to go 5 feet, 10 feet, even 15 feet higher than their living room floor. But as the picture shows, you can do that! And maybe you didn’t ever think you can have a marriage of peace, brother-sister relationships of peace, a family of peace – well, you can! Not perfect, but as a rule a place of peace – you can! In Christ you can! I would encourage you and challenge you to raise the bar, to increase your expectations, and to do the work, in the power of Christ, to make it so. You can keep contention, by and large, out of your house, and beyond that, you can live in peace.

Now, I want to close with a short passage from James. We won’t go through this, but all of James Chapter 3 is about the tongue, about speech that leads to strife versus speech that leads to peace. The chapter ends with this:

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. – James 3:13-18

Peacemakers who sow in peace – what does that mean, anyway? Well here are a few final thoughts. First, peace is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, according to Galatians. It is a result of a life devoted to God, a life lived for God and in communion with God. Second, sowing is a deliberate act that produces a yield at a later time. You don’t just raise crops by accident. You have to plant the seeds. We need to be ones who sow in peace. We plant seeds of peace. This means that we work hand in hand with God, in dependence on God, to be those who live in harmony with others, who forgive, who love, who serve, who die to self and selfishness, who promote unity, unity with our spouses, unity with our families, unity with our friends, unity in our church, and unity with other believers; and beyond this, that we are those who love those who are not yet believers with a depth of love that prays for them, that gently speaks truth to them, and that loves them enough to tell them of Christ and what He has done in our own lives. I cannot think of a richer meaning of peacemaker than that of one who brings others to Christ, thereby bringing peace between them and God. This is what I want to be, and this is what I pray that we all would become.