Pain in Grief

Understanding how to help myself and others after a loss

My prayer is that this teaching will equip you as you minister to yourself and others around you as you and they go through the grieving process due to the loss of someone very close to you.

        

First, what is Grief?

Definition of Grief: 
1.)   A cognitive and emotional response to a significant loss

2.)  The price you pay for getting attached to someone or something

The first definition is what a psychologist would give if asked the question “What is grief?”. The second definition is the same definition but translated into layman’s terms.

What is the origin of Grief?  Grief began in the Garden of Eden.  The great fall was a loss of relationship with God, loss of a beautiful garden, and the loss of innocence.  The death and loss process began the day that Adam disobeyed God.

There are two kinds of Grief:

1.      Acute – sudden, unexpected as in a car or airplane accident or heart attack

2.      Anticipatory- Involves a terminally ill person

Grief can cause disorders such as:

· Eating disorders

· Sleep disorders

· Unexplained pain in one or more parts of the body

The pain of grief can cause one or more of the following relationship problems:

· Family members find it difficult to communicate with one another while they grieve

When my mother died, my father and I along with my brothers and sisters went through a period in which we had a difficult time communicating with each other.   Each one of us was dealing with grief in our own way.  At times we were insensitive to the feelings of other members of our family who were also struggling with their own grief.

· Married couples find it difficult to communicate with each other especially if they are grieving over the loss of a child

Married couples often find it difficult to communicate their thoughts, feelings and emotion with each other and this leads to isolation, and separation, and sometimes divorce. Speaking of divorce, many of the grief symptoms that I am speaking about today are also present when a person loses a parent or spouse through a separation or a divorce. This also applies to the grieving that takes place in the church body when a member or a family leaves the church without giving any reasons, warning, or preparation to the rest of the remaining church body.

The pastors usually experience this type of grief as much, if not more so, than the rest of the body.

· Mourners of a terminally ill patient find it difficult to communicate with the patient, and the patient finds it difficult to communicate with them

I experienced this first hand when talking with my sister who had terminal cancer.

Here are six common responses to a loss:

• Shock
• Denial
• Anger and/or Bitterness
• Bargaining – especially with God
• Depression
• Acceptance

Not everyone will experience all six of these responses, and these responses don’t necessarily have to follow this order.

Shock is a response when the survivor becomes almost numb.  Their mind is defending itself from the pain of the loss.  This happens also following serious accidents or natural disasters such as earthquakes, floods, tornados and hurricanes.

Denial is a response to a loss where the survivor refuses to believe the loss really happened.  Again, the person’s mind is defending itself from the pain of the loss.

Anger and/or bitterness can also be a response to a loss.  The anger or bitterness can be outwardly directed toward the doctor, the driver of the car, or the police.

However, inwardly, it is really being directed toward God for not using His Divine Power to stop the loss.  The survivor can begin to bargain with God to bring back the dead or to take away the pain. 

In II Corinthians 12:9, the apostle Paul sort of tried this through prayer but God said to Paul  

“My Grace is sufficient for you for power is perfected in weakness”. 

In I Kings 21:27, King Ahab tried Bargaining with God and wore sack cloth and ashes and went about despondent.  God saw his humility and even though he was a wicked evil king God allowed the terrible things that He had originally spoken about to pass over Ahab and happen in Ahab’s son’s life instead of Ahab’s life.

In II Kings 20, King Hezekiah also bargained with God when he was terminally ill and God heard his prayer and gave him 15 more years to his life.

In II Samuel 12:16-17, King David tried to bargain with God for the life of his and Bathsheba’s son. But, God did not change His mind in King David’s case and the boy died. 

The lesson here is that bargaining with God does not always achieve our desired results.

Depression is a response where the survivor loses the will to do anything. In this response nothing really matters in life to the survivor and he or she loses all desire to eat or take care of themselves or others. The survivor may even lose the will to live and become suicidal. 

If that happens, we must get them immediate professional help.

Acceptance is a response where the survivor faces the reality of the loss and is able to cope with it and to go on with life and be able to talk about the loss without severe pain.

Before I was a Christian, I had no idea of the comfort that is found in God’s Word. When My Grandmother died I tried to kill the pain with straight whiskey, but it only provided temporary relief. Later, after coming to know the Lord and after witnessing my mother’s death, I can remember talking to God about the pain. I found comfort in reading His Word and remembering the promises that He made toward me.

· The Grief Ritual

When the loss is the death of a loved one, the survivors go through a sort of ritual.  The ritual has been around in one form or another since the days of Abraham.  The Grief Ritual is a way for us to help ourselves and others recover and cope with the pain of the loss by distributing the burden of grief over more than one person.  The grieving let go a little when the family and friends come over to talk and cry with them.  They let go a little more when they come to the church or to the funeral parlor for visitation.  They let go a little more when they have a grave side service.  All the while, the family and friends are taking part of the heavy burden of pain with them and it eases the pain of the loss to those who are hardest hit by the loss.

· Jesus was acquainted with grief

 

We know that Jesus was acquainted with grief from Isaiah the prophet in Isaiah chapter 53 verse 3 we read:

“He was despised and forsaken of men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;”

· The disciples were acquainted with grief.

We know that disciples were acquainted with grief from Mark chapter 16 verses 9 thru 11 we read:

“It was early on Sunday morning when Jesus came back to life, and the first person who saw him was Mary Magdalene—the woman from whom he had cast out seven demons." 

She found the disciples wet-eyed with grief and exclaimed that she had seen Jesus, and he was alive! But they didn’t believe her!

There are several factors that affect the Course of Grief

· Age of the deceased – the older the person who has died, usually the less severe the pain.  However, the person experiencing the death of an infant or teenager will experience extreme pain in their grief

· Emotional stability of the person who is grieving

· Social support system – your presence and listening are most important

· Psychological and spiritual state of the deceased and the person grieving

· Condition of the relationship with the deceased prior to his or her death

There is no exact recovery time for grief. The recovery time will vary depending on the factors that affect the course of grief already mentioned. This recovery time is normally 12-18 months, although in some cases it could take even longer than that. Usually the first year is the most difficult because of the holidays and anniversaries, birthdays, etc.

Age of the deceased – usually the older the person who has died the less severe the pain.  However, the person experiencing the death of an infant or teenager will experience extreme pain in their grief. If the grieving person has a good social support network, the recovery time may be significantly shortened. If the grieving person is emotionally unstable, then recovery could be significantly prolonged.

The Psychological and spiritual state of the deceased and the survivor can make a big difference in the direction that the course of grief takes.  If the grieving person was borderline unstable before the loss, the death of the loved one could push them further toward the border or even over the edge.

Troubled verses untroubled relationship – When you lose someone whom you have had a healthy relationship before their death, you will usually go through a normal healthy grieving process.  If the survivor had an unhealthy relationship with the deceased, they may experience a very difficult time trying to cope with the loss.

What can we do to help?

· Help the grieving person believe the loss really happened

· Allow them to experience the pain of the loss – early, full, grieving is the healthiest grieving

· Help them to gradually adjust to the environment associated with the lost relationship

· Understand that gravesite visit can be an opportunity for them to say goodbye

· Help them let go of the lost relationship

We can help the grieving person believe the loss really happened.  We can explain to them how sad we are about the death of their loved one.

We can allow them time to experience the pain of the loss.  They may need some time to just be alone to pray.  Remember early, full, grieving is the healthiest grieving.  

We can help them to gradually adjust to the environment associated with the lost relationship.   We can accompany them to the grocery store.  We can pray with them regularly.  We can help them redecorate the deceased person’s room.

We can understand that gravesite visit can be an opportunity for them to say goodbye.  We can offer to go with them to the grave site or to take them with us. 

What else can we do to help? 

· Help them understand that it is OK for Christians to cry

· Allow the grieving process to grow them

· Help them integrate the experience into their life – We are never the same when we come out of a crisis as we were when we came into it

· Help them understand that it is true that life will never be the same, but life can be good again.

· Extend Hope – Share the truths of the Gospel with them

We can help them understand that it is normal and OK for Christians to cry.  We can cry with them.

Romans 12:15 says “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” We can give them time and allow the Holy Spirit to mature them through this loss. We can help them integrate the experience of loss into their life. Help them understand that life can and will be good again. We can extend hope to them by sharing the truths of the Gospel with them. We can encourage them to get alone with God on a regular basis and read His Word and pray to Him for comfort. If the grieving husband and wife have small children, we can offer to watch them for short time so they can have time alone with God or time alone just to cry. We can offer them a haven of rest.  We can suggest a place to get alone with God where they can pray without distractions.

A few words of caution:

When someone is still grieving, we need to be careful while we are ministering to them that we don’t communicate to them judgmental sayings.  For example “You need to get over this.  You need to get on with your life.”   There may be a time and a place for someone to say this, but for the most part we need to come alongside them to support them and let them feel free to discuss their feelings and their pain with us without passing judgment on what they say.

Also, we need to be on the lookout for the following abnormal symptoms:

If the living  person is psychotic (i.e., they have lost contact with reality)

If the living person is practicing enshrinement in the dead person room or with the dead person’s things (area not touched for a long lingering period of time)

If the person complains of persistent physical pain

If the person is experiencing lingering depression, especially if suicidal thoughts are present

If any of these conditions exist, the grieving person needs to be referred to a professional Christian Counselor or Christian psychiatrist.

 

There is a Paradox in Grief

 · Hopelessness to Hope 

1 Cor. 15:19: "If we have hoped in Christ in this life only, we are of all men most to be pitied."

· Endings brings new beginnings  

1 Thess 4:13-14: "But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus."

Psalm 30:5 "For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning."

A few more words of caution:

We need to be very sensitive that we are not shouting for joy when a person is grieving.

Proverbs 27:14: "He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him."

· Death comes before life

Unless the Lord returns in our lifetime, all of us are going to die. 

· We will pass from grief to joy

Rev. 21: 3, 4: "And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”

· This present separation will end in eternal reunion

1Thess 4:16, 18: "For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.  Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord.  Therefore comfort one another with these words."

· Through Christ we are wounded healers

II Cor. 1:3,4 says “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

Too often we seek to medicate our pain.  There may be a time immediately following the announcement of the loss, but that time is short and the duration of taking this medication should be kept to a minimum.

It is through the pain that we understand others who are experiencing pain.

It has been said that he who suffers much speaks many languages (i.e., He understands others who are suffering no matter what language they speak.)

· We can become more tender and compassionate

Grief can tenderize our pride. Grief can replace our stone heart with a heart of flesh.

· We are all unique and therefore our grieving will not be exactly the same but the God who comforts us is the same from eternity past, now, and forevermore

No two people will experience grief in the exact same way but God who comforts us is perfect and He is exactly the same and He understands us better than anyone in the world.  Therefore He is able to comfort us with the perfect comfort that we need minute by minute and day by day.

“What a wonderful God we have.  He is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials.  And why does He do this?  So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us.  You can be sure that the more we undergo sufferings for Christ, the more He will shower us with His comfort and encouragement.  We are in deep trouble for bringing you God’s comfort and salvation. But in our trouble God has comforted us and this, too, to help you: to show you from our personal experience how God will tenderly comfort you when you undergo these same sufferings. He will give you the strength to endure.” 

--II Cor. 1: 3-7 The Living Bible

On July 12, 2003 (ten years ago almost to the day), a good friend and dear brother in the Lord named Aaron Pugh was killed in tragic accident involving his bicycle and a cement truck.   That day, I had just finished a message on (Heaven) that I presented the following day here at Clemson Community Church.  Brokenhearted, I fought back the tears and delivered that message of hope.  About six weeks later on a Saturday (while I was still grieving over Aaron’s death), I was preparing a message for the following day on grief.  It was very similar to the one that I delivered to you today.   The phone rang and I answered it.  It was Aaron’s father.  He asked what I was doing and I told him.  The next morning I delivered that message to the church body here, only we had two guests in the audience.  Richard and Kathy Pugh came to hear the message on grief and the Holy Spirit was able to use that message to minister to them and me through the WORD of GOD. 

Part of our job as pastors is to equip you the saints for the work of service.  Part of the work of service is to comfort the saints in their time of grief.  It is my prayer that this message will become more than just head knowledge for each of you.  I pray that the Holy Spirit will use it to comfort each of you in your time of grief and use you to comfort others in their time of grief. 

Take this verse from the Living Bible translation and put it in a prominent place such as on your refrigerator, your dresser, or on the bathroom mirror where you will you will see it often. Read it often and be reminded often of God’s love for you and His provision that He made for your comfort and the comfort of others.

Let’s Pray.