Love in Marriage

When Carl and John asked me to talk on the subject of “Love in Marriage” I told Miriam that I need to be on my best behavior for the next two weeks. I kind-of cringed a little when I heard the topic. Usually, when I give a talk God works on me on that particular subject that week. I’m not standing up here sharing these things with you because I’m an expert at loving my wife. In the business world a person learns how to do something well and then people pay them to share their insights and secrets. They’ve become an “expert” on a particular subject. But the difference in the business world and the church world is that there really isn’t anybody who’s an “expert” on anything. They may be further along than many of us. But we’re all a work in progress. The reason why I’m sharing these things with you this morning is because I’m a work in progress. And Miriam is a work in progress. We have “The Expert” working on us, changing us so that our marriage will reflect the love that God has for the church that’s talked about in Ephesians 5.

You could actually give my talk the title “God in Marriage”. Because in 1 John 4:8 it says, “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” So, when we talk about what “love” should look like in marriage we have to look at God. Last week, Carl mentioned that, even in the Old Testament, God was a God of love. He’s the same God we read about in the New Testament. The Old Testament says that God gave a “covenant of love” in Deuteronomy 7 and in the books of Joel and Jonah we see that God was “abounding in love.” And Biblical love can only happen between one person to another person or between one person and God. It’s not possible to be isolated and obey God’s command to love. The Bible doesn’t just say that God loves, but that “God is love.” In 1 Corinthians 13 it says, that “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails”.

If you substitute the word “God” for “love” this is what 1 Corinthians 13 would sound like: “God is patient, God is kind. God does not envy, He does not boast, He is not proud. God is not rude, He is not self-seeking, He is not easily angered, He keeps no record of wrongs. He does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails.” It’s not like there is a standard outside of God that He attains to. He is the standard. He is the perfect picture of what love is and what love does. I think a husband and wife need to take a good, long look at God in order to know how to love one another. How can we know what real love is if we don’t know the One who is love?

I want to bring attention to, or glorify Jesus Christ. That’s one of the main goals of our Sunday meeting. It’s to celebrate Jesus Christ and to look upon Him. In reference to 1 Corinthians 13, John MacArthur says, “Paul is painting a portrait of love, and Jesus Christ is sitting for the portrait. He lived out in perfection all of these virtues of love. This beautiful picture of love is a portrait of Him.” (The MacArthur New Testament Commentary)

Loving is an extremely difficult thing to do. Actually, it’s more than difficult, it’s impossible. For us to love our spouse the way God would love him or her without the work of the Holy Spirit is extremely frustrating. The Holy Spirit is the one that can love our husband or wife through us. If you’re like me you struggle with this. One day I’m a loving husband but the next day I’m about as kind as a cactus. One day I’m patient with Miriam’s flaws and the next day I’m picking on every little thing. One day I’m amazed at the gift God has given me by giving Miriam to me and the next day I’m wondering why she can’t see it’s a privilege to be married to me. One day I marvel at the end of the day that I didn’t snap at my wife through all the things we went through. And the next day I go to bed thinking why God didn’t strike me dead for some of the things I’ve said in anger.

There is a way to add stability to a marriage relationship. The world will tell you that if you earn enough money, pick the right stocks, have a big enough house, give your children the right education and pick the right hobbies that you can do together then you can have stability. But one thing that we need to do is to look to Jesus Christ. In 2 Corinthians 3:18 Paul says, “And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit”. In the English Standard Version the verse is translated this way: “And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit” (ESV).

John MacArthur states, “As they gaze at the glory of the Lord, believers are continually being transformed into Christ likeness. The ultimate goal of the believer is to be like Christ… and by continually focusing on him the Spirit transforms the believer more and more into his image.” (The MacArthur Study Bible) William MacDonald says, “The mirror is the word of God. As we go to the Bible, we see the Lord Jesus revealed in all His splendor. We do not yet see Him face to face, but only as mirrored in the word…As we are occupied with the glory of the risen, ascended, exalted Lord Jesus Christ, we are being transformed into the same image. Here, in a word, is the secret of Christian holiness—occupation with Christ. Not by occupation with self; that brings only defeat. Not by occupation with others; that brings disappointment. But by the occupation with the glory of the Lord, we become more like him” (The Believer’s Bible Commentary).

The days that I forget how much God has loved me I lose motivation to love my wife. In 1 John 4:19 John says, “We love because he first loved us”. So, let’s take a closer look at this “portrait of love”. In the book of Hosea we pick up in the middle of a story that shows the love of God for His people Israel. He told Hosea to “‘Go, take to yourself an adulterous wife and children of unfaithfulness, because the land is guilty of the vilest adultery in departing from the LORD.’ So he married Gomer daughter of Diblaim, and she conceived and bore him a son” (Hosea 1:2) Poor lady, she already had two strikes against her with the name Gomer.

Oftentimes, in the Old Testament, God would demonstrate spiritual truths through physical examples. In Ezekiel 4 God told Ezekiel to draw a model of the city Jerusalem then construct a siege against it in order to prophecy the coming siege of Jerusalem. Then He told Ezekiel to lie on his left side for 390 days and on his right side for 40 days. This was to demonstrate the years of Israel’s and Judah’s sins. In Jeremiah 13, God told Jeremiah to dash jars against one another breaking them in order to illustrate His coming judgment. I guess you can say that this prophecy was a “smash hit”. He also told Jeremiah to put on a yoke to demonstrate the rule of King Nebuchadnezzar. In Hebrews it says that the physical sanctuary described in the Old Testament was “a copy and shadow of what is in heaven” Hebrews 9:5.

So, in Hosea 3:1 we see that God told Hosea, “Go, show you love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.” I want to show you how God loves people selflessly, with readiness to forgive, with truthfulness, with hope and he was doing all these things with perseverance, not just once or twice.

In 1 Corinthians 13:5 we see that love is “not self-seeking…” The other night I woke up to the sound of our dog burping. Then I heard the terrible sounds of dry heaving at the bedroom door. I was incredibly sleepy and I felt like someone had nailed me down to the bed. I got up, stumbled around until I found the door. Then I made my way to the front door as the dog was already waiting for me, still heaving. I fumbled to find the doorknob and I was only able to unlock the door before the dog lost it on the tile. As I was kneeling down, cleaning up my dog’s supper from the night before I thought, “I’m really being a servant to my family by cleaning up this mess.” I was feeling pretty good about myself. Then I went into the bedroom to tell Miriam how it all “came out in the end”, but luckily not the other end. She said that she was actually showing love to me by not cleaning up his mess. I was a little bit confused but then she explained, “If I had to clean up that stuff you would have two messes to clean up.” It’s easy to see marriage for what we can get out of it.

Last week, Carl was sharing a story from a book called, “The Road to Oz” by L. Frank Baum. Dorothy and her friends ran across these creatures called “Scoodlers”. They were thought to be cannibals so Dorothy and her friends were afraid. The Shaggy Man, one of Dorothy’s friends, asked them, “Don’t you love me?” And the Scoodlers responded back, “We love you…in soup!” Before I was married I believed the lie that marriage was mainly for me getting what I want. Even now I have to battle against this deception. By the inspiration of the Holy Spirit Paul commands, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others” (Philippians 2:3-4).

Ray Comfort in his book, “101 Things Husbands do to Annoy their Wives” says this about husbands who appear to be “self-seeking” when,

“He doesn’t listen when she is talking to him. The key to communication with a man is to watch is eyes. If the eyes are in a dreamlike state, the brain is processing other (what he considers more important) data. At this point, any sounds coming from his mouth, such as ‘Uh-huh,’ mean nothing. These are symptoms of CDD: Communication Deficit Disorder.

"Men rarely hear information the first time. CDD is caused by the location of the male inner ear, which prevents initial details from penetrating the brain. They merely remain in the porch of the outer ear. A sign that the details are still in the porch will be the word ‘Huh?’ or ‘What?’ uttered 5 to 15 seconds (sometimes up to 60 seconds) after the information is given. This indicates he has merely heard a background noise.

"Information must be expressed at least twice (the second time with more resolve), followed by the words, ‘Are you listening to me?’ This should effectively move the data from the porch to the inner ear (which is connected directly to the brain). Science informs us that women speak twice as much as men. This is because men need to be told things twice.”

In 1 Corinthians13:4 it says that “Love is patient…” Ray Comfort also talks about one thing some wives have trouble overlooking.

“He walks too quickly through the mall. A man is able to shop with a woman (looking at feminine things) for a maximum of fifteen seconds. At that point a chemical called epinephrine (similar to adrenaline) is released within his body. This powerful substance makes him want to either run or fall into a deep sleep. This disorder is known as mallcolepsy.

"Any shopping with a woman may cause him to manifest symptoms of this disorder. He will become anxious and fidgety. Sweat may develop on his upper lip, and he will utter short hurry-up phrases like, ‘Okay, then…,’ and ‘Well, that’s that, then.”

"An antidote to this disturbing condition is to put him in the company of one or more males who are looking at high-tech electronics, sporting goods, or camera equipment. Or just let him fall asleep under a rack of clothing.”

In 1 Corinthians13:5 it says that love “keeps no record of wrongs…” Another thing a husband does to annoy his wife is,

“He asks her to get to the point when she’s explaining something. Men like to read the headlines before they commit themselves to the fine print. Women, in their wonderful uniqueness, tend to give the fine print first.

"This is how to captivate the male mind: Instead of saying, ‘Honey, do you know that bank on High Street—the one with the large front window with the ugly frame…where Martha’s husband, Eric, worked for eleven years before his brother ran off with his secretary and put him in financial strife? He had to resign from that bank. He was actually forced to hand in his notice, because of the money he lost when his brother invest it for him in a ‘sure thing’… was he bad news! I knew it the first time I met him. Now Eric works at the power board…has done so since 1992…by the way, she’s pregnant again. Martha, that is. Sweet girl—Well, it was robbed!’

"Rather, begin with the headline: “The High Street bank was robbed!” Then, if he is interested, he will listen to the details.”

Once God has forgiven you He’s forgiven you. In explaining His love for the people of Israel He says in Isaiah 43:25, “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” Why do I keep a tally of the wrongs Miriam has done to me? It’s because I’ve taken my eyes off Jesus. I need to learn the art of forgetfulness that only He can teach. Friends, media and co-workers will tell you to get what you can right now. They’ll say you need to make sure you get revenge. Now, can you tell me how this has helped anybody? I think it’s another reason to believe that God’s way, though difficult as it is, is the best way. Since when did we start believing that the easiest way was the best way? Doesn’t an athlete have to train in order to achieve his goal? Doesn’t an engineer need to spend countless hours learning math to pass their P.T. exam? Doesn’t a doctor need to be grilled by his professor or instructor on correct diagnoses? I don’t know of an athletic couch potato, or a successful engineer who didn’t learn his math, or an ignorant doctor whose business is growing because of word-of-mouth.

We also see that love “rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6). I like it when people tell me the truth. It shows me I have a relationship that’s worth the investment. I don’t know one spouse that’s perfect. If you did have a spouse that’s perfect it would drive you crazy. I mean, think about it. You would never win any arguments, you would always be the one that has to say “I’m sorry”, it would always be you who left the toilet seat up, or the one who left the fingernail clippings on the counter even though you couldn’t remember if you were the one who did it or not. But everyone, deep down inside, desires for their spouse (or future spouse) to tell them the truth. I’m not talking about being brash or annoying with the truth. I’m talking about someone who will be honest, open and not lie.

Recently, we’ve been doing surveys on the campus at Clemson. On the survey we ask them “rate each of the following statements” on a scale of 1 to 10, “10 being that you strongly agree and 1 being that you strongly disagree: “Truthfulness is vital in developing trust in a relationship.” So far, most people have marked a “10”. Although there have been a few people who have marked an “8” or “9”. Deep down inside people believe that truth is important. Several years ago, in Wilmington, I ran across a student waiting for class. I was able to get into a spiritual conversation with him. He vehemently (and I mean vehemently) denied the existence of absolute truth. I asked, “Do you hope to get married one day?” “Yes” he answered suspiciously. “Would you want your wife to tell you the truth?” “Yes, but…” then he angrily spout off some nonsense and wouldn’t admit to his belief in truth. I said, “Your response shows me that deep down inside you believe in absolute truth.” I don’t remember if I asked him if he was absolutely sure that there are no absolutes. Husbands and wives need to build their marriage on a foundation on truthfulness.

And men need to be truthful when they’re lost while driving. Because a husband annoys his wife when,

“He takes ‘short cuts’ that are longer. Not only are these excursions memorable opportunities for his lovely wife to see different parts of the country, they are opportunities for different parts of the country to see his lovely wife.”

In 1 Corinthians 13:7 Paul says that love, “always hopes”. One translation says that “love never ceases to hope.” If it weren’t for Jesus death on the cross there would be no hope. In Genesis 3:15 we see that God took the initiative when there was a separation in His relationship with mankind. The passage says, “And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel.” This was a foreshadowing or a prophecy that the Messiah would come to destroy the devil and his works. God didn’t wait for us to fix the problem. It’s easier to let our spouse make the apology or let them bring about reconciliation especially when you’re the one that was hurt. I heard someone once say what we can do if we’re having an argument with our spouse. You’ve got to see yourself as the one who is the most mature. And the most mature spouse is the one who will take initiative and apologize first. It’s not that God needs to apologize for anything but He’s the one who took initiative in restoring the relationship.

Now most wives, “hope” that he will get it one day. Because a husband won’t, “listen when she tells him where to find something, then hollers, ‘I can’t find it. It’s not here!’ This common curiosity occurs because of an inherent blindness possessed by the male. This, if allowed to, can enhance a marriage by giving the female an extra sense of purpose, self-esteem, and an appreciation for the fact that she is so needed as his ‘helpmate.’ Remember, without Eve, Adam would never have found the forbidden fruit.” (“101…”, 134-135)

In 1 Corinthians 13:7 it says that love “always perseveres.” Through many books in the Old Testament we see how God didn’t give up on the people of Israel. Matter of fact, you see that God still hasn’t given up on Israel according to Romans 8 and Revelation 7. Jeremiah 31:3 says, “‘I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” In the English Standard Version it says, “‘I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.’” God had “continued” His faithfulness for Israel because of His love.

A woman needs to persevere as she is teaching her husband how to eat because he often “chews with his mouth open. The simple explanation is this: “Her good cooking shouldn’t be hidden behind closed lips.”

Love “always protects” (1 Corinthians 13:7). It says in John 15:13 that Jesus laid down His life for us. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” I can think of no one person who has walked the face of this Earth that has demonstrated the quality of love better than the Son of God Himself.

There are four Greek words that are translated into the English word “love”: agape, phileo, storge and eros. The love I’ve been talking about has been “agape”. This is a word that was not found in other Greek literature when the New Testament was written. Kenneth Wuest says, “Its first appearance is in the Greek translation of the Old Testament.” (Word Studies in the NT Greek) And he goes on to say, “But owing to the very infrequency of its use, it was an admirable word which could be put to use to convey the new and higher conception of divine love which the New Testament presents.” Eros is basically a lovey-dovey kind-of-love. The word eros had some negative meaning to it but often referred to the love that only a husband and wife would experience within the confines of marriage. Carl was sharing with me that, “the word eros had the god Eros "attached" to it. It is interesting (and telling) that there is no made-up Greek god called Agape. Unfortunately, in the time of the Greeks, as it is today, often people sinned by not restricting this love to be within marriage. This gave the word a negative connotation.”

A person who thinks that marriage is mostly made up of the eros love will be in for a big surprise. I like to compare this to a cake. Eros love can be viewed almost like icing on the cake. It’s an enjoyable part of the relationship but not the only part. If someone thinks that marriage is made up mostly of eros love then they’ll end up crashing because of all the sugar and still feeling empty. Agape love can be viewed as the cake itself. It’s the part of the cake that serves as the foundation on which you put the icing. And just like the icing it’s enjoyable too. It’s not like you’re putting icing on top of a car tire. We shouldn’t agape love as the “pill I’ve gotta swallow” or the “drudgery of marriage”. According to Jesus, there’s blessing or “happiness” in this kind of love when He said, “It’s more blessed to give than to receive…” Acts 20:35. In marriage, it’s not like we have to eat the cake first, then the icing second. We can have both at the same time. Maybe another good example of the difference between agape love and eros love in marriage can be seen in the use of Iron in the human body.

Jean shared with me that our bodies can use iron only when it is surrounded or “chelated” by a protein. If I go out and eat a chunk of iron off of this building it wouldn’t do me any good. Matter of fact, too much iron outside of its context (i.e. not surrounded by a protein) can be harmful. It’s just like eros being out of the context of marriage. Your hemoglobin can digest the iron only if it’s surrounded by a protein. God’s agape love must surround eros love in order for a marriage to function properly. You can have beneficial eros love as long as it’s in the context of agape love. And like I mentioned at the beginning, agape love is God himself. You see, you can have your cake and icing and eat it too.

There are a lot things you can’t fake in a marriage. I thought I was pretty good at loving until I got married and realized how much work God had to do in my life. I also didn’t realize how much anger and bitterness was in my heart either. With other friendships you can give people your best side for the most of the time. But, in marriage you can’t hide. What you are will eventually come out. That’s a scary thought for must of us but there’s good news.

Recently, I was talking to a guy over at Pendleton Gardens where our church was doing an outreach. The guy wasn’t a Christian and said he didn’t want to become a Christian because he thought it would make him a hypocrite. He wasn’t willing to let go of his sinful lifestyle of drunkenness, the bars and whatever else. He was just being honest. But I told him that he was making the same mistake I had made years ago. I saw where I was and I didn’t like it. And I knew where I should be but I felt powerless to change myself. I thought it was hopeless. I was going to stay chained to my problems until the day I die. The mistake I made was thinking that I could change myself. I had taken God completely out of the equation. I shared with him that if God can create the whole world by the words of his mouth, part the Red Sea or raise someone form the dead then he can surely change me.

So, let me return to the thought about looking to Jesus. If you’re not a Christian it won’t do any good to look upon Jesus without faith. You’ll see a perfect person and you’ll feel like you can never attain to His perfect standard. You’ll just walk away frustrated. But if you look to him in faith like Israel did with the serpent in the wilderness you can be saved.

In Numbers 21:4-9 it says, “They traveled from Mount Hor along the route to the Red Sea, to go around Edom. But the people grew impatient on the way; they spoke against God and against Moses, and said, ‘Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the desert? There is no bread! There is no water! And we detest this miserable food!’

Then the LORD sent venomous snakes among them; they bit the people and many Israelites died. The people came to Moses and said, ‘We sinned when we spoke against the LORD and against you. Pray that the LORD will take the snakes away from us.’ So Moses prayed for the people.

The LORD said to Moses, ‘Make a snake and put it up on a pole; anyone who is bitten can look at it and live.’ So Moses made a bronze snake and put it up on a pole. Then when anyone was bitten by a snake and looked at the bronze snake, he lived.” You see, Jesus was put upon the pole of the cross and those who look to him in faith will live.

On the other hand, a Christian has the Holy Spirit. And, according to 2 Corinthians 3:18, the Spirit of God can change a Christian as he or she is “beholding the glory of the Lord…” (ESV).

A.W. Tozer said, “The man who has struggled to purify himself and has had nothing but repeated failures will experience real relief when he stops tinkering with his soul and looks away to the perfect One. While he looks at Christ the very things he has so long been trying to do will be getting done within him. It will be God working in him to will and to do.” (The Pursuit of God )

In closing, Psalm 34:5 it says, “Those who look to him are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame”.