Love in Family

Welcome! Today we continue our series on relationships, on love, focusing on the family. As I prepared for this message, one of the things I did was to think about and review various well-known stories and events from the Old Testament from the direct perspective of family relationships. I had never done this before, and I found it fascinating.

For one thing, I was shocked at how many family relationships in the Bible were what today we would call dysfunctional. What exactly is a dysfunctional family relationship? I came across multiple definitions but was struck by one reference that characterized a dysfunctional family relationship by five symptoms: (1) estrangement (avoiding one another), (2) anger (expressed or hidden), (3) lack of trust (tied to unforgiveness), (4) deception (valuing your own desires over truth), and (5) secrecy (including an unwillingness to change or face reality).

One reality you see in the Bible is that dysfunctional relationships often beget future dysfunctional relationships in the next generation. For an example of this consider Abraham and Sarah. Recall that Abraham (Abram) and Sarah (Sarai) had been given a message from God that they would have offspring, children, but Sarah became impatient and so, as described in Genesis 16, she told Abraham to have a child with her maidservant, Hagar. Certainly, one way to describe this is via estrangement, as Abraham spent time and shared intimacy with Hagar. Hagar conceived, and we pick up the story in Genesis 16:4.

When she (Hagar) knew she was pregnant, she began to despise her mistress. Then Sarai said to Abram, “You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my servant in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the Lord judge between you and me.” “Your servant is in your hands,” Abram said. “Do with her whatever you think best.” Then Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her. – Gen. 16:4-6

Here you see anger, lack of trust, and deception. Notice how Sarah blames Abraham, even though it was her idea! Sarah then mistreated Hagar (more anger), and Hagar fled (more estrangement). Hagar encountered God in her flight, and she went back to Abraham as God instructed. But when her son, Ishmael, was born, do you think there was suddenly trust, or love in this family? No. This affected each of them, but especially Ishmael, caught between two angry women and also seemingly a father who didn’t seem to care for his son, given how he was fine with what happened when Hagar was still pregnant.

Later, Sarah finally became pregnant with a son, Isaac. Did the addition of a child suddenly fix the problem of this dysfunctional family? No – it almost never does. Instead, things seemed to become even worse:

The child grew and was weaned, and on the day Isaac was weaned Abraham held a great feast. But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking, and she said to Abraham, “Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that slave woman’s son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac.” – Gen. 21:8-10

We don’t know exactly what this mocking was, but I think we can infer that Ishmael sensed that Isaac was being treated quite differently than he was, and so there was tension between Ishmael and Isaac, between Hagar and Isaac, between Ishmael and Sarah, and between Hagar and Sarah. And we read that Sarah demanded Ishmael and Hagar be sent away, and they were. Again, estrangement, anger, lack of trust.

Later Sarah died, and Isaac was found a wife, Rebekah. Abraham remarried, and he also took multiple concubines, giving their sons gifts in his old age before he too died. As for Ishmael, was he affected by all this? Yes:

Altogether, Ishmael lived a hundred and thirty-seven years. He breathed his last and died, and he was gathered to his people. His descendants settled in the area from Havilah to Shur, near the border of Egypt, as you go toward Asshur. And they lived in hostility toward all their brothers. – Gen. 25:17-18

And amazingly, we live with the fruit of this on a global scale to this day. Jumping to the next generation, Isaac and Rebekah, how did they do? Well, Rebekah gives birth to the twin boys, Jacob and Esau; Esau came out first, and he was hairy so they named him Esau, meaning hairy. Jacob came out grasping Esau’s heel, so they gave him the name Jacob, meaning he grasps the heel, which is an idiom for deceiver. Just a word of friendly advice – don’t give your children English names like Deceiver. It’s not going to go well.

The issues of favoritism that we saw in Abraham and especially Sarah seem to pass down to Isaac, and Rebekah is also guilty of this. Isaac shows favoritism to Esau, while Sarah shows favoritism to Jacob. This favoritism is not lost on the boys, and it results in a major rivalry between them, not just your usual sibling rivalries but downright jealousy and enmity; in short, Isaac and Rebekah, by their choices, produce another completely dysfunctional family. And in Genesis 25, Jacob tricks Esau into selling his birthright, a fulfillment of a prophecy the Lord gave to Rebekah while she was pregnant. This only added to the tension between and enmity, even hatred, between them. And there is a little verse at the end of Genesis 26 that often goes ignored:

When Esau was forty years old, he married Judith daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and also Basemath daughter of Elon the Hittite. They were a source of grief to Isaac and Rebekah. – Gen. 26:34-35

We all know the basic story in Genesis 27. Isaac, thinking he is about to die, calls for Esau to hunt and bring him some wild game to eat, and Isaac says he will then give him his full blessing. The symbolism here is that, as hunter, he will be the provider and head of the whole family, including Jacob. Normally, this is how things would go back then, but Esau has sold his birthright, and Isaac refuses to accept this. Note that he is in fact conspiring with his son to make this happen; that is, he is doing it (he thinks) in secret. Remember secrecy, one of the hallmarks of dysfunctional relationships? Rebekah overhears and tells her favorite, Jacob, to deceive his father and trick him into giving him the blessing; here we see more secrecy as well as deceit. Jacob does this, lying about who he is to his father and pulling off the deception. Esau comes back and learns of the deceit and is understandably angry. The fact that we know that the idea was Rebekah’s makes me assume that everyone knew this then, as well. Again, I ask you to think about what this lifetime of extreme favoritism in this dysfunctional family did to the children. As for how bad it had become:

Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, “The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob.” – Gen. 27:41

Rebekah learned of this and told Jacob to flee. Even Isaac saw that nothing could be done, that it was not safe for Jacob to stay, and so he sent him away. And so this second generation family was also torn apart. As for Esau, here is another verse that rarely receives attention:

Now Esau learned that Isaac had blessed Jacob and had sent him to Paddan Aram to take a wife from there, and that when he blessed him he commanded him, “Do not marry a Canaanite woman,” and that Jacob had obeyed his father and mother and had gone to Paddan Aram. Esau then realized how displeasing the Canaanite women were to his father Isaac; so he went to Ishmael and married Mahalath, the sister of Nebaioth and daughter of Ishmael son of Abraham, in addition to the wives he already had. – Gen. 28:6-9

I don’t need to tell you that this is strange thinking – choosing a wife in this way, still in rivalry, trying to gain more favor from his father than Jacob. Esau and Jacob are grown men at this time!

Perhaps fittingly, Jacob received a taste of his own medicine when he was deceived by Laban, receiving the wrong daughter in marriage (Leah) after working for him 7 years. He worked 7 more years and for this received the wife he had wanted (Rachel). Once again, this is not a good way to start a family out in harmony. And in fact, there was great tension in the family as Leah initially had children (4 of them) but Rachel did not. Rachel became angry, complaining “she would die” to Jacob, making it his fault. He denied being the cause and then Rachel made the same bad suggestion her grandma had made long ago – that Jacob should have a child with her servant. The servant Bilhah did have children; Rachel was so focused on “beating” her sister that she named Bilhah’s first son Dan, meaning “vindicated,” and her second, “Naphtali,” meaning “my struggle,” saying, “I have struggled with my sister and won.” What kind of “mother” (and I put this in quotes, because she is not the real mother) do you think she was, if she so fixated on this “competition”? Then Leah, upset that she wasn’t having more children, does the same thing as her sister, and two more sons are born through her servant, Zilpah. This constant competition and quarreling continued as Jacob’s family continued to grow, and ultimately Rachel finally had a child, Joseph.

I wish I had time to say more about Jacob, about what happened when he fled from Laban, and especially on how Jacob finally turned to God when it appeared that Esau was coming with an army of 400 men to destroy him once and for all, but I need to jump ahead and remind you that Jacob also showed favoritism, as his father had done. You would think that, being on the short end of the stick when it came to his father’s favoritism, he would see how wrong this was, but he did the same. And just as his grandparents’ family was blown apart, and just as his parents’ family was blown apart, his family was also blown apart as jealousy at Joseph by his brothers resulted in his being sold as a slave to disappear to Egypt. And this time, we see all 5 hallmarks of a dysfunctional family, estrangement, anger, lack of trust, deception, and secrecy.

It almost seems taboo to say this in our culture, but the actions of parents do strongly affect their children. This is true among those professing Christ as well as those who don’t. The last thing I wish to do is make people feel guilty for what they have already done in their families, but I do want us to soberly understand that, as parents, our selfishness and sin damages our children. That does not mean it is impossible for our children to overcome these things – in Christ all things are possible – and even in Genesis, we see Joseph rising far above his legacy and what had been done to him, but it takes the transforming work of God to overcome these things.

No parents are perfect, and some of us have had parents or guardians who were very far from perfect. We should understand that this can cause holes and defects in us that we may repeat unless we really cry out to God to heal us and help us to break the cycles of brokenness that have affected us. I know this is true in my life – my father was distant emotionally, and my mother had deep emotional problems including major issues with anxiety and anger, and I see how I and my sister struggle with some of these same things. I still struggle with anger, and I shudder to think what I would be if it were not for what Christ has done in my life so far. And I don’t feel comfortable talking about my sister in this public way, but there are things going on right now that break my heart.

I do want to talk about the five characteristics of dysfunctional families and what we can do about them. The first is estrangement. I have never seen a poll that determines how common estrangement is between family members, but I suspect it is extremely widespread. I have spoken with a good number of you who have mentioned cases of estrangement within your families. You have probably heard the statistic that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. A divorce, of course, is just one example of an estrangement. And if you include people who don’t completely cut one another off, but just hold grudges and don’t like one another, you can probably find it in just about every family.

Sometimes estrangement is due entirely to one person, as in the cause of the prodigal son (Luke 15), but often both sides share responsibility, as in the case of Esau and Jacob. There are actually similarities in both stories. Knowing Esau and his men were on the way, and fearing the worst, he finally turned to God in earnest and prayed, “Save me!” In a similar way, the prodigal son, when he returned to his father, said,

Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. – Luke 15:21

He said he sinned against heaven, that is, against God. I think a first step is that we need to understand that as we hurt those around us, including our families, we are sinning against God. We are causing pain and harm to those whom God loves, to those made lovingly in His image, to those whom Jesus died for just as He died for us. As Esau prayed, “save me,” we too should first turn to God, apologizing for our actions and asking for His help to make things better, to make us able to overcome our baser natures and to help those we have hurt to overcome their hurts.

Both stories are also similar in how the offender returns and is contrite. Jacob was, in my opinion, somewhat awkward in how he did this, but he did do it. The prodigal son was very direct, and very clear with his words.

Another key step in resolving estrangement is of course forgiveness. Both sides need to forgive; I love how Jacob was surprised by Esau’s forgiveness. And the complete and immediate forgiveness of the Father in the prodigal son story shows us what the forgiveness of God the Father looks like; that is one of the points of the parable. But it is also an example to us of how we should be when the process of reconciliation begins. As much as it is up to us, we should forgive. I should not have to quote verses such as these.

From the Sermon on the Mount, when Jesus taught His disciples how to pray:

Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. […] For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. – Matt. 6:12, 14-15

And after Jesus told His disciples the parable of the man who owed a great debt to a king, but the king forgave his debt. Yet he turned around and would not forgive a relatively tiny debt owed to him. When the king found out about this he was very angry and put him in jail. Jesus concluded with this:

This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart. – Matt. 18:35

And from Colossians:

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. – Col. 3:13

Forgiveness is not to say “Oh, it’s nothing,” by the way. And forgiveness isn’t supposed to be some exercise in mental gymnastics, denying how you feel. In real forgiveness, by God’s grace and help you become able to see “over” the hurt, you feel genuine compassion towards the person, and you are filled with the peace that is beyond understanding from the Holy Spirit. Real forgiveness is a profound act of healing, not just in the relationship but in you, and it is a supernatural work of God. If the hurt is deep, don't try to just forgive in your own strength.

The second symptom of dysfunctional families is anger. Anger consists of more than angry outbursts; it can be expressed in many ways. I think that in the following verses, each thing listed can be an expression of anger.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. – Eph. 4:31

But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. – Col. 3:8

We need to not miss the point of these verses – we are to “get rid” of these things. Like forgiveness, this is not only not easy, it is something we need the help of God to do. I personally believe that anger can become a habit, even an unconscious habit, if we are not careful. I might be on shaky ground here, but I even think there is something addictive about anger. Anger produces a series of biological and hormonal changes in our body that is invigorating, kind of like coffee. Learning to put away anger requires more than just dealing with individual situations; if you are prone to anger, it requires what I might even call a “personality transplant.” We need to, by God’s help, take every thought captive, to put the angry response away minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, one day at a time.

In our families, we need to remember that often our anger is not even really directed at our family members; it’s something else bothering us, but they have the misfortune of being in the same house as us. Sometimes it can help to identify the current source or cause of our being quick to lash out, but often we don’t even know. I will say this – if you are currently right with God and close to Him, you will not at that moment have a problem with anger.

And here is one of my favorite verses on anger:

For man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. – James 1:20

If you are a parent, this verse may make you wince, and you may not like it, but it is true. Anger can bring obedience in a child, for a little while, but it will not bring righteousness, holiness, a life dependent on God, a life characterized by love. Instead, you may only be teaching your child to use anger as you wish you didn’t. And you even may be damaging your child’s view of God, impairing his or her ability to love Him! As we have seen in the lives of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, dysfunction begets dysfunction.

The third symptom of dysfunction is a lack of trust. Depending on how you define forgiveness, you could classify a restoration of trust as part of forgiveness, but I think it goes even beyond this. I think we can forgive someone, understanding that the person who has hurt us has flaws, seeing that God loves them, and perhaps having compassion on them because they too were hurt, but we can do all of these things without trusting them going forward. I find it interesting that the Bible calls us to forgive, but the Bible does not specifically, at least in the same explicit way, call us to trust everyone who has hurt us. And some people have flaws or dangerous behavior that means we should be wise and protective going forward with these people. Trust is different than forgiveness.

In dysfunctional families where trust has been shattered, it is a long process to rebuild trust. To show that you should be trusted requires that you show faithfulness day by day. You see this again and again in Jesus’ parables.

Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. – Luke 16:10

‘Well done, my good servant!’ his master replied. ‘Because you have been trustworthy in a very small matter, take charge of ten cities.’ – Luke 19:17

Children trust their parents; when their parents break that trust, it can be very damaging to a child. It can make it hard for them to trust anyone else, including God. If people do trust you, be very careful to preserve that trust. And if you have broken someone’s trust, understand that asking forgiveness and being forgiven is only a first step. God can restore any relationship, but it will take time and consistent effort. And if you have been deeply hurt in this area, do not allow this to prevent you from trusting God. Verse after verse exhorts us to trust in Him. Trust Him! He will never betray that trust.

Fourth is deception. Throughout history, children have deceived their parents. Don’t do it! Don’t be a Jacob, a deceiver. I shouldn’t have to remind you that Deceiver is also one of the names of Satan. Deception ruins trust. In the heat of the moment, you may think it is worth it to deceive your parents to get something you really want, but it is never worth it. And parents, likewise, do not deceive one another or deceive your children. I don’t know if this is true of every culture through history, but I do know that one of the ways our culture is severely broken is that it views deceit as acceptable if it is to achieve a greater good. Deceit is a way of life in politics, and in the media, and no one seems to flinch or blush at what they are doing. Rhetoric once used to mean a noble skill in public speaking, in oratory, but today it has become synonymous with deception. Deception is rampant in the workplace as it is used to cover up our mistakes or failures. It is everywhere.

In contrast to this is the Bible. From Ephesians:

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. – Eph. 4:22-25

Our new self is created to be like God in its lack of deceit, in true righteousness and holiness. There will be no deceit in heaven. There is no deceit in God.

Something deep within us rejoices in truth. This is why we have basically mythologized the truthfulness of George Washington (remember the cherry tree) and Abraham Lincoln (Honest Abe).

Now some people use the pretense of truth to bludgeon people by saying whatever is on their minds, by filtering nothing out, by holding nothing back. This is not at all what this passage is talking about. Blurting out all of your opinions is not the same as telling the truth with tact, love, concern for the other person, and wisdom. As it says in Eph. 4:15, we should “speak the truth in love.”

And the final symptom of dysfunctional relationships is secrecy. The world is full of secrets. Families are full of secrets. But the truth is that there are no secrets. As it says in Romans, speaking of the judgment to come,

This will take place on the day when God will judge men’s secrets through Jesus Christ, as my gospel declares. – Rom. 2:16

Secrets are what we keep when we do what we know we should not do. Secrets are Satan’s domain; in Rev. 2:18-25, in the warning to the Church in Thyatira, it mentions “Satan’s so-called deep secrets” amidst talk of those involved in immorality. In Acts 6, before Stephen was killed, people secretly convinced others to testify falsely against him. And 2 Peter and Jude warn of false teachers secretly slipping in amongst them. When we live in the light, in righteousness, there is no need for secrets. May we put away those actions that we do in secret because they are wrong. May we confess our sins to one another, putting an end to secrets, so that we may be healed.

God desires us to have fantastic families! He desires to equip us to make changes, to grow in love together as families. It is no exaggeration to say that across this country, the family is falling apart. But in Christ, dependent on Him, empowered by His Spirit, our families can be wonderful places of love and joy and support and encouragement as well as a powerful beacon of light to a lost and broken world.

As we close, I encourage you to reflect on the five areas of family dysfunction that we have talked about today, and ask God to show you an action step to take this week, today if at all possible, in either your immediate or your extended family. Is there an estranged relationship you can try, doing your part, to restore? Do you need to seek forgiveness to someone for your anger, or do you need to seek help to control your anger? Have you broken someone’s trust? If so, what are the first steps you should take to begin to rebuild that trust? Are you guilty of deception to someone in your family? Do you sense God telling you to make it right, to tell the truth today? And are you doing something in secret, something you need to stop? Do you need to confess to someone? Talk to the Lord about these things. If you are taking notes, write something down to yourself so that you take an action step today if possible.