My Relationships

Today we start a new series of 5 messages relating to the issue of lordship and ownership. The image I have in my mind starting out is of a toddler holding a favorite thing, maybe a toy, yelling, “Mine! Mine!” – screaming and struggling all the more insistently if someone would try to take it away. We smile at the thought that a small child would consider that they actually own anything, since everything they have has been given to them. But actually, too often as adults even we are guilty of exactly the same behavior before God, who has given us everything. What does it actually mean that Jesus is Lord? How should that affect our attitude toward the things that we consider “ours” – our relationships, our stuff, our rights, our gifts, our time? Those are the topics of these 5 messages. Today we will look at relationships. Do our kids actually belong to us? What rights do we have in our family? What does it mean for me to love my neighbor as myself? What relationships do we have that might even be idols, getting in way of our relationship with God? If Jesus is Lord, he needs to be Lord of everything in our lives. Everything. How much are we willing to trust him?

Let’s pray as we begin.

When God gave Moses the Ten Commandments, what did he put in the number one spot? Where is the starting point in this covenant He is making with His people? Exodus, chapter 20.

“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me."--

Why did God put it that way? Was He just saying, “I delivered you; now you need to serve Me?" No, it is much deeper than that. He was recognizing that what we hold most dearly has the most power over us. He had just delivered His people from the land of slavery. Egypt wasn’t just a place of physical slavery. When the Israelites got mixed up with the Egyptian gods and culture, it became a prison of spiritual slavery, too. God had delivered them; He didn’t want them to become enslaved again to other gods, to idols that would rob them of the true freedom that He desired for them – and that He desires for us. This echoes that verse that is part of the new covenant (Galatians 5:1):

¹It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

So right here at the beginning, let’s be clear that God is not out to spoil our fun. He is not just trying to be mean. His lordship in every area is for our good, so that we experience true freedom, true joy, true fulfillment. The more we hang on to things, to people, to idols – whatever they may be; the more we limit God’s ability to work in our lives, and we limit our experience of all that he desires for us. We might think we are making our lives more secure. But the more we are in control, the less God is in control. We might think that we are building a strong fortress, but its foundation may be on sand. When the big storm comes, the whole thing collapses.

This is a real challenge here in America. Compared to many places in the world, life here is safe and predictable. Most of us follow the rules. Not many of us have to worry about where our next meal is coming from. This stands out to me, having been recently in Nepal. Somehow, it is easier to trust God there, because so many things are uncertain. People trust in Jesus because they just don’t see many other good options! But, you know, our security in America is just an illusion. All it takes is a car accident, or the sudden loss of a job, or a health crisis (like we are walking through with Lisa right now), and we are reminded that we need to trust God (and entrust ourselves to God) just as much here in America as anywhere else.

All right, back to the first commandment. Why does God want to be number one in His people’s hearts? Exodus 34 says that He is a jealous God, that His very name is Jealous. We think of jealousy as a negative emotion – and it is, when it springs from our selfish desires, and we want something that belongs to someone else. But God is jealous for us because He loves us. He longs to give us His best, and He knows that that can only come from Him. As it says in Isaiah 42,

⁶“I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness;
I will take hold of your hand.
I will keep you and will make you
to be a covenant for the people
and a light for the Gentiles,
⁷to open eyes that are blind,
to free captives from prison
and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.
⁸“I am the Lord; that is my name!
I will not yield my glory to another
or my praise to idols.

God refuses to tolerate any rivals. If we want to have intimacy with Him, to experience His love and freedom, He needs to be number one in our hearts. Isn’t that the key to intimacy in a marriage relationship, too? How can a couple be close if someone else is in the picture romantically? The relationship between Christ and his church is described as a marriage, with that same sense of exclusivity. However, when a man and woman love each other as husband and wife, that doesn’t mean that they don’t love anyone else. Kids become part of the family, and they need to be and ought to be loved, too. But it is a different kind of love, subordinate to the love and commitment of the marriage relationship. In the same way, if God takes first place in our hearts, then our other relationships can have their rightful place. So when we talk about God’s lordship over our relationships, this is where it starts. We are created for His glory. He will not yield that glory to another.

Jesus had some strong words to say about His proper place in our affections. In Luke 14:

²⁶“If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.

Matthew 10 helps explain what this means.

³⁷"He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.

Hating your father and mother and other relatives simply means that Jesus needs to be preeminent, number one in our hearts. We must not love anything (or anyone) more than Him; otherwise, that thing or person becomes an idol, and we risk all the miserable consequences of idolatry delineated in the Old Testament.

One more saying from Jesus, in Luke 9:

⁵⁹And He said to another, "Follow Me."
But he said, "Lord, permit me first to go and bury my father."
⁶⁰But He said to him, "Allow the dead to bury their own dead; but as for you, go and proclaim everywhere the kingdom of God."

So what does this look like in real life? For some people it might mean choosing to follow God’s will rather than the desires of one’s parents. God wants us to honor our parents (that’s Commandment #5), but if it comes down to obeying God versus obeying one’s parents, we need to prayerfully and resolutely choose the former. This can be a real challenge sometimes in Nepali culture, where family relationships are so important. Questioning authority is a real "no-no." And there are many cases where following Jesus means breaking with parental authority. I know several people where this is the main thing that has held them back from making a public commitment to Jesus. One friend that I worked with in Bajhang really did love Jesus. He acted more like a Christian, in terms of his love and service, than many Christians I know. But he said that he couldn’t be baptized as long as his father was alive. He was worried that it would just destroy his relationship with his Hindu parents. He was saying this exact thing: “Lord, permit me first to go and bury my father.” Except in his case it would be to cremate his father and perform the funeral rights that only a son can do. What is Jesus’ response to this? "Allow the dead to bury their own dead." If you are not willing to follow Me wholeheartedly, then you will be as dead as your father: dead in your sins and lack of faith. It is a hard word. And a hard step for many Nepalis to take: to risk being rejected, ostracized, treated as though they were dead. It isn’t always the case; some parents are now more open and understanding. But it is still a huge factor for many people counting the cost of following Jesus.

So what else does this look like? Jesus says that we cannot love our kids more than we love Him. This is a tough one for those of us who are parents. God has built into our DNA a tremendous love for our kids. We would be willing to lay down our lives for them. And they ought to be precious to us, to be loved and cherished. But even our kids should not come between us and following Jesus. We need to remember that our kids are on loan to us from God. We don’t own them. We don’t have a “right” to them. God sometimes needs to remind us of this. Just a few days ago in Nepal, my sister was telling the story of how their younger son was very sick one time when they were living in a remote area, far from advanced medical care. He got sicker and sicker, to the point where they were actually wondering if he might die. My sister was praying desperately, “Lord, please save my son!” But she realized that she needed to give him back to the Lord. She said that it was only after she was willing to pray, “Lord, Nathan belongs to you, and I give him back to you,” that he turned the corner and started to get better. She felt that the Lord was testing her: Do you really love Me best? Are you really willing to trust Me with the most precious things that you have?

The outstanding example from the Bible, of course, is the story of God asking Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. This is a part of the Bible that I have always had to struggle with. How could God ask Abraham to do such a thing? Let’s look at some parts of Genesis 22:

¹Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!”

“Here I am,” he replied.

²Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”

How could God ask Abraham to do something that was so obviously against God’s own law? God has always hated child sacrifice. If I were Abraham, I would have been thinking, "This can’t be God asking me to do this." It didn’t make sense at all. Isaac was the child of the promise, awaited a lifetime, precious beyond measure. But Abraham knew the voice of God well enough to obey without questioning. He knew that somehow he could sacrifice Isaac and still God’s promises would be fulfilled. He is held up as an example of faith in Hebrews 11:

¹⁷By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had embraced the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, ¹⁸even though God had said to him, “It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.” ¹⁹Abraham reasoned that God could even raise the dead, and so in a manner of speaking he did receive Isaac back from death.

How did it happen? Back to Genesis 22:

³Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. ⁴On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. ⁵He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.”

⁶Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, ⁷Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?”

“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.

“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”

⁸Abraham answered, “God Himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together.

Abraham wasn’t trying to be deceptive. He was confident that God was somehow going to work this out.

⁹When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. ¹⁰Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. ¹¹But the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”

“Here I am,” he replied.

¹²“Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.”

¹³Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.

I have always wondered what Isaac was thinking, lying there on the altar. Did he have the faith of his father? If he didn’t beforehand, he must have afterward! What an experience! To hear the voice from heaven and realize what it meant for his father to love God more than he loved him. God blessed Abraham as a result of this incident. He said that his descendants would be as numerous as the stars and that through his offspring all the nations on earth would be blessed. This was looking ahead to Jesus, who would bring salvation to the world because of His sacrifice on the cross.

So Abraham was willing to give up the most precious thing in his life in order to be obedient to God. That is what it means for us to be fully committed, to put God first – above all else. For Jesus to be Lord of our relationships, we must not hold on to any of them more tightly than we hold on to Him. But there is another aspect to this. What about the relationships that we don’t want? What does it mean for Jesus to be Lord of those? Luke, chapter 10, a familiar passage:

²⁵On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

²⁶“What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

²⁷He answered, “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

²⁸“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

²⁹But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

³⁰In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. ³¹A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. ³²So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. ³³But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. ³⁴He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. ³⁵The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’

³⁶“Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

³⁷The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

We don’t get to choose our neighbors. We only get to choose our response. Love for God comes first – the expert in the law had that part right. Loving my neighbor as myself – that’s where the rubber hits the road. The story of the Good Samaritan is so familiar that we might forget its impact on those who heard it. Jesus was holding up a despised Samaritan as an example of godly love – which involved doing something that was repulsive to the Jews listening: helping a battered crime victim, being willing to “get one’s hands dirty” in loving someone, cleaning up a mess, putting our own agenda on hold to care for someone else, signing a blank check to pay for their needs. This is not easy! God asks us to love the unlovable: the beggars, the whiners, the ungrateful.

Some people are really difficult to help. When Ian and I went on our 5-day hike across western Nepal, we hired a porter to help carry our bags. He was clearly a poor man: his thin, filthy jacket was ragged, and his shoes were literally falling apart. I was happy to give him several days’ work at a good rate: $10 per day (plus food), including return days. I thought he would be happy, but he began asking for more and more stuff and always finding something to complain about. I did buy him a new pair of shoes, and I did let him eat whatever he wanted. But I realized that he was a victim of what I call the "entitlement mentality" of many poor people in Nepal: because I am poor and you are rich, you need to give me everything I need. Now clearly the rich do have a responsibility to the poor. Jesus makes that clear. But the problem with feeding the entitlement mentality is that it creates dependency. The poor become completely dependent on donations and never gain the capacity to improve themselves, to take responsibility for their own lives. This is a huge challenge in addressing poverty in the world. What did it mean for me to love my porter as myself? I don’t think I did very well. I tried to explain things to him, but it often ended in an argument. I realized I still have a ways to go in truly loving people. My continual prayer is, “Lord, let me see people the way you see them, so that I will know how to truly help them.” Loving the unlovable requires something more than what we can generate within ourselves. We need to love them with God’s love.

As we go through this series, God is going to challenge us to submit to Him much more than our culture would encourage us to do. American culture values independence, looking out for number one (i.e. ourselves), and standing up for our “rights.” But as my dad used to say, “As followers of Jesus, we have no rights, only responsibilities.” We have God’s invitation to go deeper into our relationship with Him – to trust Him more, to experience more of His grace and favor. He doesn’t force us. He doesn’t pry our fingers away from things that are precious to us or oblige us to love people. He wants us to choose.

I would like to close with a verse by George Matheson, a Scottish minister who went blind at the age of 20 – and his fiancée broke off their engagement as a result. In his suffering he wrote some amazing hymns, including this one, which captures the essence of what I have been trying to say.

Make me a captive, Lord,
and then I shall be free.
Force me to render up my sword,
and I shall conqueror be.
I sink in life's alarms
when by myself I stand;
imprison me within Thine arms,
and strong shall be my hand.